We just moved, um. I called UPS to ask them to help out with some boxes.

They are good service but you have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them. I had no idea.
他們服務很好,但是你必須在打電話前準備好這些箱子的資料。 我完全不知道這回事。

I called them up “yeah, I have (uh) ten boxes, if you could come and pick em up.”

“We need to know the weight and the girth.”

“Ok, good bye.” [Hang up]

So I called back. “We need the weight and the girth.”
所以我打回去說:「 我們需要重量和周長。」

“Ok I don’t know what the weight is and (um) I don’t know what girth means. So now what’s the procedure?”

So this guy talks to me like I’m four years old. “Well, do you have a bathroom scale?”

“Um, yeah, but if I put the box on the scale, it’s gonna cover up the numbers. What do I take 'em off really quick? Ah, zero. I’m not fast enough....''
有,但是如果我把箱子放在體重機上面,它就會把數字蓋到了。我試著把它(從體重機上)很快的拿掉? 啊!變成零了。我還不夠快...。

"What’s he talking about?”

So then he gives me like his Mr. Wizard formula. “How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself, get off the scale, pick up box, get back on, weigh you with the box together and subtract your own weight.”
後來他給我像是他的男巫先生(簡易)公式。 “你可以站在體重機上量一下自己的體重,下來,把箱子搬起來,再站上體重機,量你和箱子一起的體重,再把你的體重減掉。

I’m going... “slow down! Hold on, Professor.”
我整個就是... “慢一點! 等一下,教授。”

I know this guy has never tried this cuz I tried it and you still can’t see the numbers.

What am I, Mr. Olympics? Three pounds.
我是什麼? 奧林匹克先生嗎? 三磅。

Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. He kept assuring me it was easy. “You know the girth is very simple to figure out, you take the length and you double that by the smaller of the height after you triangulate the hypotenuse of the third side”

“Ok I gotta go, I’m getting another call. Yeah, I’m too stupid to talk to you. I just...not want to be on with you any longer.”
好,我必須掛電話了。我有插撥。嗯, 我太笨了,配不上跟你說話。我不想再跟你通電話了。

So, then I tried to call back and make up a few numbers. Let him come out and pick em up. If it’s wrong, I’ll pay the difference. Dispatch the truck!
後來我試著打電話回去捏造了一些數字。 讓他出來,搬了了事。如果有錯,我就付差價。快點派車啦!

So, I called back, “yeah I have (uh) 10 boxes, and ... no I’m another guy and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds and they all have a girth of 3.”
所以我就打回去說:「我有10個箱子... 喔, 我是另一個人,它們都是正好22磅重,周長為3。

“Three what?”3什麼?

“Three girth units." 三個周長單位。

Come pick 'em up, please! I’m begging you. They’re boxes and they’re brown and they have tape all on them and they probably fit on a dolly. Why must you torture me?  
拜託來幫我搬吧!。我求你。它們就是箱子,它們是咖啡色的,都用膠帶綁好了,而且應該都可以放在推車上。 為什麼你們要虐待我?



這是美國Brian Regan的另一個脫口秀(talk show)。

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